Where did my mother go?

My mother made it into the big blue chair beside her bed. This is the chair my Dad and I take it in turns to doze in during the night. For my Mum it’s a pretty exhausting experience so she spends most of the afternoon asleep. At least she doesn’t have an oxygen mask on anymore, just a direct feed into her nostrils. This means she can put actually pick up a cup and put the straw in it to her lips. When I arrive my Dad proudly gets her to demonstrate and I applaud with some relief. This is a milestone that I have been waiting for.

As I look at her there dozing away the afternoon I realize this really isn’t that much different from how she has been normally at home these past few years. But now sometimes when I look I see my Mum and sometimes I see a sick little old woman in a big blue chair in ward full of other sick little old women in big blue chairs dozing the afternoon away. It’s a horrible feeling, for in these moments this person isn’t my mother anymore.