Post Apocalyptic UK Bureaucracy

May: I decided that I should renew my passport. It was due to run out on July 19th so it seemed like a good time and I didn't have any travel for 4 weeks.
I looked at the British Embassy US website and was informed the due to "Severe Technical Difficulties" the lead time on passports was 6 weeks- but "we are working to clear the backlog".

That presented a problem since I was due to go to Amsterdam and Cambridge on business and then a week later go back to the UK for vacation with Alexander. I decided to take them at their word and apply when I returned from our vacation. Afterall my UK colleagues had previously been able to renew their passport within 2 weeks.

What I didn't realize was that the "Severe Technical Difficulties"was caused by the British Embassy farming it's passport renewal out to a US fulfillment house in classic 80's Thatcherite style. (It was no longer anything to do with them).

Mid July: When I returned from my vacation and came to send my passport in for renewal, I found that there had indeed been an update to the British Embassy in the US website: They had changed "Severe Technical Difficulties" to "Seasonal Demand" and left the 6 week lead time in place. I was stunned and like any good Brit reached for the phone to complain to my government that that they were giving me crap service.

However this is where the UK government got clever- not only did they farm out the renewal of UK passports to a bunch of people who didn't know how to do it in a timely fashion- they also farmed out the complaints department to another company whose job is to "deal with people who complain" called Careline Services.

So in summary when it comes to passports the British Government in the USA has washed its hands of it's citizens in totality neither issuing passports nor dealing with requests for information regarding passports or complaints about the situation.

My only recourse in trying to get my passport was to call the "Careline" at 69p+VAT per minute in the Scottish Borders repeatedly, and 5 days before I was due to fly get them to "send an email" to the US passport factory telling them this was a priority. The "Careline" folk asked me (almost every time) for phone numbers where I could be contacted and address for where the passport should be sent.

Monday: I called the Careline folk and they (allegedly) sent an email to the passport factory and told me the British Embassy would call me.

Nothing happened.

Tuesday: I called the Careline folk and they told me it would be 48 hours before the British Embassy would call me.

Nothing happened.

Tuesday: I called the Careline folk and they told me wasn't 48 hours at all and it would be within 72 hours before the British Embassy would call me.

Nothing happened.

Wednesday: I called the Careline folk and they told me the British Embassy would definitely call me today and if they didn't.... well, I could call the Careline again on Thursday!

Nothing happened.

Thursday Morning: I called the Careline folk and they asked if I was going on business?
I told them as politely as I could I was going on business I was going on Saturday and I was now very angry.
The Careline folk asked me for my phone numbers and address again- just to make sure. The British Embassy new how to contact me and where to send this urgent passport.
Then they promised to send another email to the passport factory telling them that I was "going on business" though why on earth they didn't do this Monday was beyond me!!!!

The Careline folk told me that someone from the British Embassy would definitely call me now!

At this point I began to realize that the Careline served a very different purpose to the one I had been led to believe. It was neither a complaint service nor an escalation service but simply a black hole into which one could talk to people with nice Scottish Borders Accents who offered you platitudes but no actual resolution to the problem. These people simply served to prevent the British public from uncovering the true incompitence of this subcontracting service that couldn't issue a passport for 6+ Weeks.

I lost my Temper.

Thursday Afternoon: I called the Careline folk and told them this wasn't going anywhere. No one had contacted me and I was very very angry.
"Hang on Mr. Crawford. Our computer system says that you passport has been printed! That's the last step before it goes back to you by courier."

I felt relieved.

"But no one from the British Embassy has contacted me?" I felt bound to point out having spent 69p+VAT per minute reciting my address and phone number(s!!) at every call.

"Well no one would ever phone you from the British Embassy Mr. Crawford. This is all done by a fulfillment house and they will NOT contact you now, your passport has been processed Ok and is on it's way to you."

I felt somewhat relieved, somewhat vindicated and somehow now able to continue a normal life secure in the knowledge that it was Thurs, and I was flying on Sat afternoon. What could go wrong? I turned off my phone for the first time in a week and went to bed.

Friday: I turned on my cellphone phone to find I had a message from the Passport Factory. "Hello Mr. Crawford, my name is Ashley and I wanted to let you know your passport has been printed and will be delivered to you on MONDAY!"

At this point the world spun. I typed in the UPS tracking number and discovered it wasn't even going to my house but to my office (and address I had used in case it arrived while I was on vacation).

I realized just how much I had been lied to throughout the process and just how much nobody at the Careline or the passport factory gave a damn. When they got my voicemail they never even bothered to try my home number. They never used the home address I gave them for delivery and they never sent it for Saturday delivery. It will be a miracle if it arrives at all!